Posted on 2007.02.25 at 10:28
I am so god damned sick of people thinking that they know everything there is to know about me!
It is that very reason i don't tell people things about myself.
Life isn't black and white. And people shouldn't judge you based their assumptions of your actions.
Why don't people trust that the reasons i do things may not make since to them, but i did them for a reason. And what quality do i posses that would make people think that the choices i make are not made with the best interests of everyone taken into consideration, and in reality usually at the coast of my own fucking happiness.
I'm so fucking sick of assumptions.
I'm so sick of not being able to think about myself without peoples feelings getting hurt.
Posted on 2007.02.15 at 11:16
People surprise you sometimes.
Sometimes there are spurts of compassion that you never saw before.
I think i've spent so much time going backward because i used to overestimate the kindness in people's hearts that i may have underestimated some.
We as a culture still don't say nice meaningful things enough to the people we care about. I'd like that to change.
Posted on 2007.02.12 at 12:00
Current Music: How to Rape a Country- A Change Of Pace
I'm in the fucking Wood Tech class, and i hate it! Not the class but the material specifically.
It never dies. Even when it's been sitting out for 100 years it still grows and shrinks with the humidity. Each face has to be cut differently, and if you don't plan everything out perfectly, it has a nasty way of telling you to fuck off via a hug chunk flying out of your stock.
Someone once told me you wood has a personality and you have to respect it.
I don't want to! Wood can kiss my ass! I don't yield to my material. It's should be a give and take relationship. I don't think it's fair for every once in a while your project gets fucked up just to make sure you know that wood has a bigger dick then you.
This class rules my life. I spend almost all my time doing stuff for this class. It has a lab designated in it, so according to collegiate learning you are expected to work on the projects a average of 8 hours outside of class a week. But we also work on it in class. And it's a 2 hour class 3 days a week. So that's 14 hours a week i'm planning, setting up, or working on my Woods projects. It's more than a little bit excessive.
Posted on 2007.02.10 at 13:42
Current Mood: groggy
So i did a lot of thinking yesterday. For better or for worse.
I've spent the majority of my life growing up. And i've reached a point now that i'm more than a little tired of it. And I always stress to myself how i want to be a kid again.
One of the biggest parts of being a kid is living in the now and learning from your mistakes.
One of the biggest things i have a problem with, is i over analyze my actions to keep myself from making mistakes. And i'm tired of stressing over possible consequences.
And I've decided that I'm really alright making mistakes at this point.
And my instinct is to escape for a day or two to regroup and not deal with my stress. But i need to just deal with it and get things done rather than wanting to run away from my problems.
Unfortunately i think that may mean me staying up here over spring break and getting some projects done. But i think i need to do that so i don't have to stress as much over the rest of the semester.
Posted on 2007.02.09 at 15:00
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Bayside- Gaurdrail
I can't get out of this stress. I'm so behind and i can't seem to see the end. I want for a week to just not have to think. To just be, and see how that goes. I feel like i'm last in like 14 marathons, and i can't get ahead. I'm just over it right now and i don't think that that's good. I just want an escape, some place i can go. But i don't have time. I'm just sick of it.
Posted on 2007.01.16 at 13:48
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Jesus Make Up My Dying Bed- Blind Willie Johnson
I'm more than a little stuck in the past, and i can't for the life of me get back to the present. Things have been going really well to be quite honest. But i can't seem to rap my head around any of it yet, and i don't know why.
I feel like i'm stuck in a hallway where i'm very much willing to open doors but i'm horrified to take any steps in any direction.
I have this horrible feeling that i'm holding back in life because somewhere deep inside my subconscious i don't want to admit i actually might be doing alright. A sort of Self Sabotage. Because maybe i don't know what to do with myself when things aren't fucked up. I've kind of grown accustom to trying to catch up to everything. And now that i have i don't know where to go.
I've spent so much time growing up, all i want now is to act like a kid again.
Posted on 2006.08.30 at 01:07
Posted on 2006.08.23 at 17:24
I just realized today on the way up to my dorm that i really want to build a little model city, and then go stomping through it yelling, "Godzilla!" In an asian accent. I don't really know why i want to do this, seeing as how i never really liked the movies. But i guess i'm kind of heavy footed and it would give me a chance to put it to use.
Posted on 2006.08.23 at 14:12
Some times do you just wish things were done? Just over with. I just want to be done with things, and have them stop hanging over my head. So where does that leave me?
Well at least now I know what I’m waiting for, I just don’t know exactly the rout I’m going to take. There’s a few though and I know I’m taking at least one of them. I’m just waiting for this road to end before I get on another maybe.
My classes are pretty sweet though, I’m excited about them. Now if they can just get started I’ll be alright.
Posted on 2006.07.27 at 02:39
Current Mood: crushed
I just couldn't stop thinking about my dad today. Little things just kept reminding me of him, no matter what i did or where i was i just kept thinking of him.
I just want him to hold me and tell me his proud of me, and that i'm doing the right things with my life.
I want to be in that picture, i want to see his smiling face.
I went hiking with my friends the other day, and it rained as we hiked out the next morning. And by the time we had gotten to our cars steam was coming off me i was producing so much heat. Jim used to steam after he ran, and i loved that.
I just want to show him the things i've done, and talk to him about it.
I saw a little girl in a coffee shop the other day bring her dad a magazine and asked him if he wanted it. So the dad then proceeded to pretend to read the magazine solely because his daughter had brought it to him. And i thought of all the times when i was little going with Jim to work construction. And he would start nails for me to hammer in. Not that he truly needed my help, and in all actuality i'm sure i slowed him down. But he wanted me there and wanted me to be with him, so he pretended that there was really something for me to do.
All i ever really wanted was for him to see me graduate ASU, i wanted more than anything for him to see that. Just to know that he was proud of me for the things i had done. I just love him so much, and i miss him.
There are things that i'll never know. Like his recipe for Chinese food. Or his secret BBQ sauce.
There are things that i'll never get to do with him. Like going out west with him. Or being able to drink a beer with him when i turn 21.
And never again can i suggest a good movie for him to see. Or watch one with him
Or draw him a card for father's day. While all my friends sent cards and visited thier dads, I sat alone by myself on father's day. Because frankly i don't have a dad anymore.
And i know that someone some where is going to post something mean spirited or belittling, because that seems to be the sole purpose for livejournal. Which might be why i don't post as much any more. But i just needed to write this out.